Family & #Save42019

Do you know what the hardest thing in life is? Going through life without a true family to keep you grounded. I have watched my husband go through a hard time recently when a family member died and it was hard for both of us. His family is on the opposite side of the country but we never hear until too late out about any major life changes. In my family, we are closer and yet I might as well live on the other side of the world. I used to talk to them constantly but I was never let in on the important things in our family either. To us, it is as if all our families are worlds away. To make things more complicated, we started talking about our future and realized that since we cannot have children, we will never start a family of our own. It will always just be the two of us.

Another sad note is that my family also thought my marriage would not last for many different reasons, yet we will be married for 8 years today. I think of all of this because I was planning something grand for our 10 year anniversary, but I came to the conclusion that it is pointless. It would be better money to take it and go away for a weekend.

Everything I have written here is true and was planned to be publish today, but things have changed. We have decided to push to move somewhere more permanent. I got a small part time job working 3 days a week and I am going to pay down our debts while also saving up. My goal is to have over $4,000 buy the end of 2018 and move in May of 2019. I will do whatever it takes to make this goal happen. I already have our debts and bills loaded up in a spread sheet with all plans laid out. We will either drive our few things cross country towards the west coast or use the money for a down payment on a house near us. Either way I want a real future, not one stuck in a rut. I think I will save up for that trip to be an amazing anniversary gift to ourselves. Enjoy your day everyone!

#Save42019

Random Thoughts

I am so tired that my thoughts just jump from one thing to the next. I want to write them out before they become lost in the whirlwind. I had a dream last night that I was back in high school and that cold winter day I over slept. My brother and sister were with me in a McDonald’s parking lot somewhere in Dublin. <Just note none of this never happened!> My sister was still an infant riding in her car seat in the back of my mom’s old tank of a car. I was discussing with my brother about the merits of just skipping school that day (I hate being out in the cold.. More reason to head home) At that moment the weather service on the radio said Dublin was under a weather emergency and then my sister started screaming. As I duck into the car to soothe her I notice the sky was beautiful. The Northern lights covered the whole sky. My sister told me she saw an explosion and pointed to where it was, only I realized it was not an explosion she was seeing but a funnel being formed. I yelled at my brother to start driving due to the closeness of the tornado only to almost run into another one backing up. These were not ordinary tornadoes… these ones froze things in their path. I am clutching my sister to my chest in the passenger seat as it grazes the car and I wake up. I woke up freezing and scared. I must have tossed and turned so much that the blankets came off of me. At that moment I was thankful to be in a warm building with no freezing tornadoes in sight.

Dreams can be the craziest things sometimes. Other times you relive moments in your life. I realized that my dreams have become so impacted by what I see on TV, that I need to adjust what I watch in those moments I am tired. Then I think of those dream that are just my fears shown to me, and I am thankful every moment those are just dreams. Dreams of losing loved ones, becoming injured or lost, and heartache. I challenged anyone who reads this to take a dream that scares you awake and find one thing that amazes you like I did with the Northern Lights. Maybe then our dreams will seem less dark to us the more we find the good in them.

Moving Forward

I thought I was done writing. I am getting better and I have had less panic attacks. I was feeling less anxiety but then the depression started creeping in because part of my family would not let this go. They wanted me to remove this and let it hide in the darkness forever. In my heart is was just like when our roommate attacked me last year. Only this time my own mother is attacking me. She un-invites me to a family Christmas event and then lies to my baby siblings. Out of this, I have realized the more important things. Like my dad can talk about the funniest things when the dogs get going. My step mom is kinda cool and her Irish accent is amazing. My husband knows the right things to say. My husband’s family has not been able to be physically involved in our lives but have been there when we needed them. But with this post I am going to sign off with my real name. No more hiding.

I have also been working like crazy on the cooking blog! There are so many recipes that I want to try out and so many new items to test. I have let this blog fall a bit behind because I had no inspiration for more boards, but that is going to change! I will try to put one together at least once a month. I think I will focus on a local one first, so look forward to next month’s OSU theme! I miss doing these because they can be so much fun! If you have an idea that I would put into action feel free to comment it below.

And a thank you to all my readers and people just going in from Pintrest! You guys are the reason I keep this site going! I hope everyone has a safe Thanksgiving!

Christina Marie Tedder (Christina Perry)

My personal story.. Pt 2

When your start telling a story, little tiny other stories pop up that want to be told. Like I remember touring the Tower of London for school and seeing the ravens hoping around the courtyard. I remember one day while driving through the British countryside we stopped on the side of the road to pick berries. I remember going to the beach and it was so cold. The shore was just rocks, bits of seashells, and the water freezing. I brought home shells from that trip and kept them for years until they broke in a move. I remember being apart of Missionettes and Royal Rangers. I liked the Rangers best because they go camping. I remember a teacher giving me a book to try to encourage me to learn to read. I remember going to a New Year’s Eve party and my parents realizing children were not supposed to have been there. The officer’s wife put on Beauty and the Beast for us and I decided I would become like Belle.

My getting ready for the day in my Civil War clothing.

My getting ready for the day in my Civil War clothing.

I remember being in Girl Scouts with my best friend and earning lots of badges together. I still have my sash to this very day. I remember refusing to dissect a chicken leg with my hands. I refused to touch a single part of that thing and yet I won the contest to identify all the parts first. I remember doing a class assignment about the zoo and read about the Columbus Zoo. I wanted to become a zoo keeper and was lost when I gave up that dream. I remember putting on rain boots to go stomping through the marsh near our home looking for crawdads. I remember being let out of class one afternoon so that we could all watch a solar eclipse but since I was a kid, I was more interested in talking with my friend. I remember doing Civil War reenacting with my family and more than once hated the experience. I still have my finger-less lace gloves that I used to wear for it. These were the last of the good memories until my sister was born.

I used to have braces, but they were not maintained and broken in many spots. My mother when upset would grab my jaw and squeeze causing my mouth to fill with blood. My cheek is still scared in several places from being grabbed so often. I remember the first Christmas without my father. Our class was making Christmas ornaments for a tree to be donated to charity. All classes in my grade were doing this. I went to my teacher and begged for one of those trees so we could have one. I got my wish and still have one of the ornaments from that tree. I remember trying to make a friend but gave them up when they threatened my brother when I refused to try smoking. I remember refusing to ride the bus because of bullies and would bike ride the miles uphill to and from school as long as the weather was clear. Our second holiday season brought no Thanksgiving dinner until I begged a local church for help. That same winter a ice storm hit and the city was without power for a week. We lived in homes owned by slum lords and shared a home with over 60 mice. I remember the number because that is how many we killed with traps.

This was before I became sick.

This was before I became sick.

I remember getting my two Yorkies back after the divorce was final from my father. They looked like skeletons and were very sick. I remember being heart broken when we had to put them both down for health reasons. I also remember losing my best friend to a lie. I started to become someone I did not want to be: a drone in some office. I became an avid reader to escape my life. I gave up the things I loved to become the person my mother wanted me to be. I had my breakfasts and school lunches taken away when my mother’s new boyfriend said I was fat. It was horrible trying to hide the cans of slim fast from everyone. I would stay inside from recess so that when everyone was gone I could drink it with no one around. I began to hide and steal food because I was so hungry, I even used all the allowances I earned to buy food. In the name of weight loss, my mother tried to think of ways to get me active but did not care about the pain from my previous illness made this almost impossible. I began taking sharp objects and tracing the same lines up and down my arms until I actually made a scar from doing it to deep a few times. Once my sister was born life became almost unbearable.

My 16th birthday. My sister does look cute too.

My 16th birthday. My sister does look cute too.

When my sister was born I lost having a bedroom because her nursery was in my room. I became her babysitter when my mother and her boyfriend spent more time online instead of caring for her and night time care giver so that I could get some sleep at night. My sweet 16 birthday did not include any friends and all our family was more interested in seeing my sister who was turning 1. Many of my birthday presents that year became hers. Over time I adored her and loved her. It was hard when I was kicked out while still in my senior year. After I graduated I became lost. My boyfriend lied to me constantly and while on medication for ammonia, put alcohol in my drink because he wanted to party. I don’t remember much from that time. Even when I was admitted to the hospital with my first anxiety attack, he showed up drunk to drive me home. I was wrestled into the car by him and his drunk friends. I fled when fights broke out when everyone was drunk. I still loved him and brought him with me to see my father. I learned about the lies my “fiance” was hiding and kicked him out. I was so lost.

A month later I got a call that my mother was having heart surgery. I flew home to take care of my sister and I found out the damage her parents caused her. When I left she too suffered and developed separation anxiety. I found out she was autistic and she could not handle sudden changes in her life. I took her under my wing and treated her like she was a princess. I had her even convinced at one point that she was a Disney princess that had not been discovered yet. I made sure she had clothes, toys, and I gave her treats often. I took on a job at a local motel and regretted it. All the other staff quit so I was in charge of not only doing the night audit but all evening duties. I worked from 7 pm till 7 am for 7 days a week for months. When we finally got one staff member trained I worked a few less hours but still with no breaks. I started having trouble staying awake during the drive to work and one day fell asleep before I could walk out the door. I was fired for not showing up to work but I feel like if I had got behind the wheel that day I would have killed someone. I signed up for college and moved into the dorms that fall.

I had just one roommate and right away we hated living with each other. When I could not stand it anymore I moved to a single dorm room. I was happy but then the stress of breaks and summer started. My family did not want me to come home and my step-father was upset that I could not stay in the dorms full time. I tried to find alternative housing but it never went well. I was homeless and could not do anything about it. I could not even get enough loans to pay to stay for a second year so ended up leaving. The salvation army gave me an apartment and I became even more lonely. As long as I worked less than 20 hours I could keep my apartment and take classes downtown. I began to loose myself on the internet. The “friends” I had in my life were a small church group and I felt like an outsider to them. I was ready to die and hoped that I would do so in my sleep. I would take sleeping pills, a few more each time, and hope that I would not wake up.

If I kept on smiling, I could pretend to be happy.

If I kept on smiling, I could pretend to be happy.

My last ditch effort was to try to host a birthday party for myself in my apartment. When everyone said they could not come one of those “friends” stepped up and invited me out to dinner for my birthday. I was happy and dressed up for the occasion. When we arrived at the restaurant and I horrified to discover she brought me to another guy’s birthday party and sitting all around the table was the people I had invited to my party. My old roommate (who was now a great friend) looked at me with pity the whole night. Everyone had gifts and cards for this guy, but I had to sit through the ordeal since that “friend” was my ride home. When I got home I was in tears and was considering doing far worse to myself then pills. I had met a guy online and on a whim made a to call him. I wanted someone to talk me out of hurting myself but I was in so much pain. As I told him about the night he was as shocked as I was at the hurtful nature of the evening. He sat and talked with me for hours. At the end of our call I set up a meeting with him to meet him face to face. When I met him I never wanted to leave him again.

 

To Be Continued

My personal story.. Pt 1

This is not a post about weddings but a post about me. I had many people tell me to write it all down but I just never got around to it.

 

My life is a soap opera. The cast of characters changes once in a while but most of the time they keep coming back. One of my earliest memories is a ghost buster birthday party in Arizona where I was born. I cannot remember if the party was for me or for my year and a half younger brother, but I remember being happy. Things start going downhill after that. My dad was in the air force and we moved a lot. In fact I have moved more in my life than my age.

We were stationed in England for 4 crazy years and this started forming who I really became. I was in the British school system at first. I remember the uniforms and getting into trouble. Do not eat peanut butter and jelly sandwich as one sandwich or with your hands. I remember the other students hating me for being American and school dances being lonely. During school prayer, I prayed to be someplace else. When that base closed my father was stationed to another near by. This meant taking the public buses to the school on the base. That year a hurricane hit. Our school was evacuating and they put all students onto 4 buses. The one I was put on was driven by a selfish man. After an hour of trying to take us all home he made us all get off and find our own way home. I remember walking trying to find my friends house but never did. I was told I finally in the middle of the night knocked on a door and told them I was American. They contacted the base and the MPs brought me home. I was scared of storms after that.

When I transferred to the schools on base from British schools I was way ahead of many kids in the subject of math, but way behind on reading. I was taken out of classes to get special learning time to try to catch up. It did not work. When we were transferred to a third base I was in the 3rd grade. My parents decided to put me back a grade to try to catch up and that landed me in Mrs. Lord’s class. Thanks to her I loved school again and came out of my shell. Most weekends we spent visiting different castles and driving in the countryside. After school we had indoor swim lessons and I was happy again. I wish that had lasted. That second round of 3rd grade was the last I would ever see of Europe.

We moved to Missouri where I made my one and only childhood friend. We stayed here almost 3 years and my family started to fall apart. My had was sent to Desert Storm and my mom started the ground work for leaving him. I never knew they were fighting, but I knew things were not OK in our family. I knew I could never do right by my father’s eyes and my brother could do no wrong. When my father came home we were all locked into our bedrooms and the police came. They escorted my father way and this is when life went horribly wrong. That birthday my father poisoned me. I am allergic to salt and my cake was spiked with a hardy dose of it. The reaction I have to it is nose bleeds and blood even coming out of my ears. The dose was so high it went on for days and the school suspended me until it would stop when they found out. I never went back to that school, never had the chance. That same day my father denied access to the bank accounts to my mother, turned off all utilities to our home, and then called children services. When they called to my mother to find out what was going on we fled that night.

Our first stop was my grandparents. We could not stay because my grandfather had a temper. We then fled to my mother’s friend in Michigan only she was crazy and almost killed us by putting fabric softener in the well water when the plumber told her she needed to soften her water. Then we fled to Indiana to stay with a cop’s family. We lived in her basement for a little while and then we moved to Goshen. I loved that school. I had an amazing Japanese teacher who showed me anime and it had an indoor pool. But my birthday came around and I broke down crying during gym. I still loved my father and for some reason he ignored my birthday. My mom’s boyfriend at the time (a cop who was cheating on his wife with my mom) was abusive to me and I learned what kind of family I had. I had a father who did not care about his daughter, a brother who became violent and tried to kill me several times, and a mother who loved abusive men. I tried many times to get taken away by children services but it never happened.

One day I woke up with a swollen ankle and I was taken to the emergency room. They said it was self inflicted and I was crying out for attention. Children services was going to investigate but to stop them I was placed into a mental hospital on suicide watch. I spent months in there because I refused to go home. That is a sad thing when a child would rather stay in that horrible place rather than go home to her family. When I finally went home I had another problem. This time both my legs became swollen and I could not walk. After a day or so of this my mother finally took me to the hospital. I was dying. My kidneys had failed, two valves in my heart were no longer working properly, my temp was 106, I had problems breathing due to bronchitis, and my legs were useless. I had a simple virus that could have been treated with a simple antibiotic treatment long before this, yet my mother never sought care for me. My brother had it before me and she got him care. As I write this I cry again because this event will forever damage me. That little virus robbed me of many things, one of which is the ability to ever have children.

I spent years trying to become normal again. I had to start out in a wheel chair and up until I graduated high school with crutches. I had to visit children’s hospital often to check in with a cardiologist and a rheumatologist. I had to suffer though bi-weekly blood draws and passing out once from them. My mother took it all in stride and often told me to “get over myself” and just do things. She never understood that just walking was like stabbing myself with each step or feeling like my heart is going to beat of out my chest if I got to worked up. She never really cared. When that boyfriend took her money and ran off with his wife, I thought things would change. She never could give up those type of men.

We moved to Ohio and she got a job as a secretary. She met a guy and he seemed to care for us. He paid to get my 3 year old braces off and when he took my mother out for dates, he would take us to the movies to have fun. Turns out good things never last long. My mother became pregnant when I was 14 and we learned he was still married. His family called my mother “home-wrecker” and never really warmed up to us. On my 15th birthday my mom went into the hospital. I will never forget because as a kid you never forget when everyone forgets about your birthday. To this day they never realized they forgot that year. My sister was born 3 days later and we lost our apartment. We moved in with him but he put the home up for bankruptcy so this was only temporary.

To Be Continued