Family life can be complicated, but in my life it just means heartache. I am rewriting this post because my family found this blog and took offense to it. My mother even got sent a nasty text to my husband who has been nothing but supportive of me. He even knows that this post is even going to include him and he still supports me. I am writing these posts to say that what happened in my life was not OK and I am not going to hide it anymore. I am going to write everything out and help my heart heal.
My first boyfriend was my senior year in high school. It was amazing at first until our first dance. It was like I was one display to show everyone that he had a girlfriend. I ended things after that but he kept one of my favorite CD. My second boyfriend was a nice guy who lived near me. One date was a walk around the zoo close to closing then dinner at his work so that he did not have to pay for anything. I was annoyed but willing to give him a second chance. Another friend of mine saw that I was getting more and more unhappy at home and told my boyfriend that I need to get out of the house. We were supposed to go out to the movies but instead he dropped me off with that friend and left us. I ended up dating that friend but that was the last one till my husband. I felt better off being with no one.
When I got back to Ohio I helped out my family then got a job. I worked at K-Mart till it closed then took a job at the hotel. When that job let me down I went off to college and loved every minute of it. I love to learn but I had no clear goals. I took many different classes in different fields because I had no idea what kind of life I wanted. I dropped out completely after spending a night at a suicide prevention center. My grandmother had breast cancer again and my mother had a tumor. I was needed again to run home to help out the family. I was just overwhelmed between school, helping out my siblings, the fear of loosing my grandmother, work, paying rent, and having no real future. I spent my nights online talking to my now husband trying to work my way through everything. That September was the last time I spent my nights alone.
I met my husband in person for the first time and I wanted to drop all common sense and go home with him. I kept my cool. I offered him a chance two days later to spend some time with me in my town. He lived half an hour away and so he came to stay with me. He spent a couple days with me and that was when we decided to stay together. I knew we would last and be happy together. I also knew that it was rather fast but I jumped all in. I moved in with him and we were engaged by the end of October. We had planned on a year long engagement but my family would not be reasonable. They kept threatening me with not coming if I did certain things like hold a toast with alcohol. At this point it was May and we had enough. We decided to get married at the end of the month and that was that. I am glad now that we did that because my grandmother was getting worse. She could not make it to the ceremony but I went to visit her that day so that she could see me. If we had kept our wedding in October she would never have been able to remember it. I still miss her. She passed away that winter.
You think that once you are married things become easier. It just means that you have someone else to keep in mind when making decisions. After a year of being married we still had no children. We went to a specialist and they put me on some harsh fertility drugs. My husband felt like I was no longer the same person and gave into temptation with another. I was also not a good person. I was harsh, rude, and sometimes downright mean to the point where he almost left me. When people meet me now I am described as a walking Disney movie. We both put it behind us and the doctor gave us the final answer to what was going wrong. My ovaries we unresponsive. They were showing no signs of even attempting to release eggs. The only conclusion was that the near death incident as a child led to organ failure. Even if I was to go through the process of getting pregnant with donor eggs the chances were so small that we decided to give up. In fact, I would have better luck winning the lottery than achieving pregnancy.
I have been married over 8 years now. Over the years I helped my family with various things only to have it come back to bite me each time. My husband has told me many times that I am a glutton for punishment when it comes to them, but I only kept going back because of my sister. I even listened to my mother many times telling me how horrible things are with my step father. I offered many times to help her if she would leave him. Even my sister’s begging did not persuade her. So this past Mother’s Day I spent in tears over the life I could never give, my mother spent in anger. When I finally spent all my tears the next day I called her to at least wish her the Mother’s Day and she lashed out at me. She was upset the my step father forgot again and no one did anything for her. She was not the least bit sympathetic to her daughter who was trying not to give in to the tears of saying those words to her mother that she herself will never hear.I am currently seeing a councilor and a therapist for anxiety, PTSD, and depression. Both told me to stop talking to my mother and block her online. As they so nicely put it, it is a toxic relationship. My counselor suggested that since I blog, that I write out my feelings and no longer hide myself. Despite my family lashing out this weekend (again threatening me*), I did not hide in my apartment. I know that my husband will always be there for me. *My family likes to threaten me with not including me in family events if I do not do what they want. This time it is family dinner at Christmas. Another time threatening me during my wedding planning, by making my wedding as they see fit. The not including me happens all the time anyways, so at this point it is kinda silly. The only family event I get invited to is Christmas for the past 8 years so if they feel like pulling that I guess I need a new family. Anyone want to adopt me? LOL*
The people who know me and care for me are cheering me on. That has been the greatest blessing. So this is a special thanks out to my old college roommate who I was stupidly passive aggressively trying to push out of my life years ago. Another thanks goes to my husband’s family who has lately heard me venting and being patient with me. Another thanks goes out to my father who most likely will never read this. He understands that the things I wrote is all in the past and that I forgave him. And last but not least to my Facebook friends who have heard me vent a few times but still keeps me on their friends lists. To my family who might really read this in the entire, I love you all and will not allow you to treat me poorly anymore. You still are my family and if you are taking this personally then you are missing the true point of this. It is not about you, it is how you were with me. That was yesterday and come tomorrow is a new chance to do it right. I have learned a lot about what I thought was wrong and what was really wrong with this blog. I can forgive and move on but only if the truth is being said, not the “pretty picture” story. You don’t have to say sorry or even buy back me. Just move forward with me in a better direction where we can be daughter to parent and sibling. No longer can I be the punching bag, the care giver, the left over, or the fixer. So thank you for reading.
From the husband to me.
I love you and I know how hard this was for you. You are a great person and your younger siblings are great. It always pained me to watch how you get treated even in our own home by your step father and at times your mother. I know doing this blog was pushing your ability to cope with your feelings and even be able to openly admit your pain. You said what was done to you was wrong but even mentioned your mistake and mine. I know your family really do love you, from time to time they do show this. It is not a matter of what out weighs the other, good, bad, it is a matter of the bad did happen. Now it is a time to just realize the mistakes and learn from them. We did and we have gotten a stronger bond for this. I am proud that you released all your pain so you can finally heal and move forward to new things. I hope it is with the WHOLE family, but now it is not up to you. You are making your steps to the future that you wish, they have to decide to walk with you or not. And as always, I love you. Your Husband.